Unmapped Heart

I’m an artist.  I should be able to do this “map of my heart” exercise without a single bead of sweat squeezed from a confused and worried brow.  Sadly, I don’t know the ways of my own heart.  My whole life has been backroads and crossroads, side trips and tours, frustrated by dead ends everywhere, all on lands constantly shifting.

There is no stepping into the same river twice, change occurring naturally, necessarily, even as foot finds purchase on the rocky bed, and neither can I retrace a path already erased by Time and growth.  If memories were places my heart would be a crowded country, but memories are moments and my heart is a clock.

I spend my days playing with its hands, moving aimlessly through yesterdays and years.  And today?  I know.  My heart needs to move forward, to turn freely, but abandoning the hands of Time to Nature produces neither sound nor motion.  I let go, and I let go, and sit, still, sans tick, sans terror, sans tock, sans triumph.  There seems to be nothing left but Time.

Stephanie Hansen

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8 responses

  1. Nothing but time and a glimmer of hope that it can be different. Well, I cling to that thin thread of hope. I know how very important it is.

  2. I’m having the same problem with getting a move down that river. Stick with it.

  3. the backroads are sometimes the most interesting are they not….

  4. It seems like Hestia’s Hearth demands we sit. I know what you mean about the stuck feeling. As a complete aside to anything to do with Hestia you might like to know that astrologically the whole planet is ‘stuck’ right now – the energy begins to move forward in late October but its not till early next year that things really get going. The energy right now is about looking back at where we’ve been so that we can learn where to go next.

  5. the fact that you are even writing about this is a move forward, whether it seems like it or not. Keep writing and who knows what else will come?

  6. You state your case well, Steph. The artist in you shows through even in these words of confusion about your heart’s map. I see it as a beginning, the first track on the page that will soon be filled with your own unique highways and byways. Pondering as you have in you post is a great beginning.

    Vi

  7. stasis – know it well my friend, but how wonderfully you describe the sense of lack of movement, or where you are – I am both aligned with and thrilled by your way with words – I am delighted and overjoyed you have joined us here at the hearth – that is more than enough for this stuck wanderer 🙂

  8. I know how you feel…all too well some days….

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