The Fire

 The Fire

The fire, so destructive and yet, it can clear a path that was never there before – one unimagined even in the greatest of minds. 

There is a small flame, just recently lit, that resides in a tiny chamber within my heart. It is working tirelessly to clear a path between my heart and my soul but is starved and dying. I am protecting it, fearful that the air it needs to breathe might extinguish it forever. 

I am protected by layers of ashy skin so that no one can see who I am. It is thick and never stirred by even the strongest of winds and I wonder each day as I view the unfamiliar image in the mirror: 

When will I have the courage to wipe myself clean? 

How many layers will I have to remove to get to the raw, pink flesh? 

When will I let it breathe so I can finally heal? 

I feel infinitesimal in a world so incomprehensibly large – a spec in the vast expanse of the universe. My voice is barely perceptible among the screams of others’ pain. I cannot find the solid ground with which to shed this ashy skin. The lines on my paper are disappearing, the ink bleeding out until it is empty, and still I cannot find the courage to let the fire burn. I am afraid of the heat, afraid of what I might find, afraid of what others might see underneath that which has melted.

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11 responses

  1. Gosh Sarah – your trials burn on my computer screen and I feel for you. What an incredibly difficult time you are going through.
    Your health is incredibly important though. I pushed myself for years and now have chronic fatigue which is revolting and I find it hard to function for more than a few hours at a time. It’s totally blah and yet on the scale of suffering it’s pretty minor. So take care. Preserve your strength as much as you can. Looking after your four year old sounds hard enough anyway.

    As for your 17 year old wanting things that you don’t have the money for. I’ve been through that too with my son. I think you have to become a philosophical about it – maybe it’s his karma to have to struggle financially for a while. After all many, many highly successful people came from impoverished beginnings.

    You are a fine writer – maybe putting your energy into writing will be thing that ultimately brings you financial well being and a sense of self worth.

  2. No human being should have to carry that much weight. You have to believe that your difficulties are not insurmountable though that may be hard to believe at this time. You write well and I hate to see you have to give that up.

  3. I wish I lived nearby, darling. I’d be on your doorstep every day to lend a hand. When I first came into Seanna’s life when she was around your son’s age she was quite violent and because of the brain damage was unable to be reasoned with in the usual ways. I had to learn the art of restraint – meaning restraining the wild child – and to figure out other ways to communicate with her rather than verbally. I don’t envy your position. I was sure many, many days she’d be the end of me!

    And your writing…oh my dear, please do not stop. I know the lack of money is tough but getting by *without* progress in regard to your writing life will be no more rosier, I can tell you from experience. I think you’re a wonderful writer and that writing is your natural path. Don’t worry about your teenager. There isn’t one on earth who is pleased with his/her lot in life at that stage! Honest.

    Feeling small, feeling silent, feeling on shaky ground is inevitable at different times in our lives. The only way out is through, the only medicine, Time. If you feel small and in darkness it is because it is not yet your time to rise up and grow and shine. It will come.

    Much love,
    Steph

  4. I didn’t want to leave this space without leaving a comment – I am not sure what I want to say to you though, except, whatever you do, do not give up writing, and echo the wise, wise words from Steph.

  5. I know it is hard but do believe that the creative fire cannot be extinguished. It may wane and reduce to just an ember but it is always there waiting to be fanned. I have walked marathons of my own and know the journey all too well. There are many here who will bear witness for you and many times this is enough.

  6. Sarah Joyce Bryant | Reply

    Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support. I will get through this. Some days are better than others. I am so glad I am part of such an amazing group 🙂

  7. I have this written in pen on my art studio wall: Sometimes you have to do the thing that scares you. Be brave, have courage.

    We are here to encourage you and hold your hand if you need it. I love the concept of fire. Yes, it is scary and can hurt. But it can also temper your soul like metal to be folded over and over, hammered, and glowing with spirit. When it cools it can be polished to a gleaming shine. Let your soul sparkle!

  8. keep your fire protected, even if it feels like it is an ember only right now; in time it will burst forth and warm your whole being.

    1. Sarah Joyce Bryant | Reply

      Thank you 🙂

  9. Wow trhat is one strong fire (: fire that burns to the truth.

  10. Wow that is one strong fire (: fire that burns to the truth.

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