Authenticity

I have been on hiatus for over a month now trying to prioritize the important things in my life and also to figure out just what direction I want to take my blog. I have struggled with making a decision because I am a lover of everything and it is difficult to narrow down what I am passionate about. This has led to the creation of numerous blogs that have gone untouched and has kept me from posting something that is really important to me because I felt it was not in line with my blog’s purpose. But, life is writing and writing is life and from now on my blog will be about both.

For those of you who don’t know, I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Over the past two years these undiagnosed conditions have wreaked havoc on my health, my energy, my spirit, and my dreams for the future. In fact, it has caused my entire life to come to a screeching halt. Along with this illness I am caring for my four year old whom doctors believe is autistic with Asperger’s and can become violent at any second for any reason or no reason at all. I use the word “think” because I have been unable to have him officially diagnosed and have been waiting for specialists to see him for nearly two years now. The waiting lists are so long and are soul crushing for any parent who desperately wants to seek and receive help for their child. As if that wasn’t enough, I also have a soon-to-be-eighteen-year-old son who will begin college in the fall. AND as if THAT is not enough, I lost my job in mid-December because of budget cuts.

What has all this done for me? It has made me stop and reevaluate my life and where I want to go. It has made me realize that I need to be more authentic in all my interactions. I am was a firm believer in perfectionism and never asking anyone for help. I wanted everyone to perceive me as the person who knew how to do everything. But this mask of perfectionism I am hiding behind is not serving me very well. So, I plan to be more authentic in my writing on my blog, to share with you my fears, my worries, and my truth.

The biggest truth that I can share with you right now is that I am terrified of writing. I do not know the first thing about writing and yet the idea of learning everything there is to know in order to become a great writer is overwhelming and stops me in my tracks. I have so many interests (law, politics, neuroscience, psychology, social work, mental health counseling, sociology, criminal justice, writing, reading – you get the idea) that I find it difficult to settle down into one specific area. It is the perpetual “the grass is greener on the other side” philosophy. What I do know for sure, though, is that I want to help people, I want to teach, and I want to write. That is where I have to place my focus.

To start things off, I would like to introduce my authentic self to you: I am a 36-year-old woman who is still not sure what she wants to do with her life and has not made it past step one in Life 101. I am a woman whose legs hurt so badly some days that she has to crawl out of bed or not get out of bed at all. I am a woman who spends many mornings locked in the bathroom in an attempt to avoid her four year old’s stinging punch to the face. I am the woman who has finally started the journey toward authenticity and finding her place in this often scary world. I hope that you will follow along with me.

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5 responses

  1. thanks for sharing your authentic self always takes a bit of courage and hope it brings you some clarity.

  2. Sounds like another woman looking for a room of her own….oh Sarah you so touched my heart with this. Just the fibro itself is more than enough for anyone to handle (speaking as one with it who wakes up repeatedly through the night with the most excruciating hip pain, sometimes has to literally roll out of bed onto the floor and crawl because of it, or like you, sometimes just can’t get out of bed at all) but you have so much else on your plate. I can also relate so much to the fear of writing. It’s what holds me back the most from doing it. Finding your authentic self is a big step but such an important first step isn’t it?

  3. Wow, Sarah. I could so easily have written the same post. I’ve had fibro for coming up to 9 years now and I totally understand how it can bring your life to an abrupt halt. However, you WILL learn to listen to your body’s needs and manage the illness.

    I, too, am forever unsettled as I seek to find my niche and feel as though I am finally getting there. I know that you will too because you are already committed to seeking your authentic self. Keep writing. Even, no especially when it scares you. Write as though no-one is reading. Thank you so much for being strong enough to share your trials x

  4. you’re a brave warrior of a woman who is strong enough to handle what life is throwing at you. pain is so debilitating–i admire your ability to continue, especially giving out love to your children.

  5. Aaahh you have so much on your plate now. The most important thing for you to remember is to try to be gentle with yurself. It is going to take time for you to come to terms and learn to cope with your myriad challenges. This is a journey, your journey. Noone else will walk the same path as you, yet you will have many companions along the way who may keep you company for part of the process. Writing is a process too, and a wonderful way to ponder and wonder about your unique place on this earth. You are a very special woman and recognising this about yourself is enough to render all your writing authentic.
    Thank you for being so open and honest. You never know where your authenticity sows seeds in other peoples lives.

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